Brazilian Jiu Jitsu Sucks & Here’s Why

Do you know a friend who’s been inviting you from to time to time to try out a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu (BJJ) class one of these days? Or know someone from the community who’s been training BJJ and makes it sound so fun? Or have you seen it on any media platform thanks to sports channels televising international BJJ competitions and all those intense cage fights from UFC, ONE Championship, and the like? Or is your favorite MMA fighter always mentioning the martial art in all of his or her thank you speeches in interviews and in his or her social media posts when he or she is bored? Yea?

Well, let’s get this straight: Brazilian Jiu Jitsu sucks.

I’ve been training in the so-called “gentle art” (gentleGENTLEgentleGeNtLe pfft) for more than a year now (notwithstanding the fact that I haven’t trained for 6 months of that 1 yr+ because of bar exam review… but I did train everyday when I got back. And competed. But know what? Whatever.) and I think I have some color of authority to tell people the TRUTH about this martial art.

BRAZILIAN JIU JITSU PLAIN SUCKS AND HERE’S WHY.

JIU JITSU IS FOR EVERYONE.

In Portuguese that phrase is translated as “Jiu Jitsu Para Todos” and you’ll often see it in inspirational posts from top BJJ players or your neighborhood BJJ nerd who wants to spread the word. That’s right, BJJ is for everyone. No matter if you’re young, old, male, female, transgender, physically fit, scrawny, overweight, athletic, weak, plain, or fucked up; I could go on and on. Anyone can try BJJ and it doesn’t make you special. Damn, you’re born to be unique; a special snowflake. You can’t show the world you’re a sui generis piece of living flesh with BJJ since anyone can do it. That’s why it sucks.

IT HELPS YOU TO BE PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY HEALTHY.

Jiu Jitsu is a whole body workout. It makes every muscle in your body work, hell, even your facial muscles hustle from it. It’s strength training, flexibility exercise, and cardio workout rolled in one. BJJ, being a game of human chess, helps you stay mentally sharp as well. You’re sparring with a partner who’s intention is to fake-kill you and you the same to him/her. You need your wits active on the mats to keep yourself from becoming the prey. But in this day and age, putting actual effort into being healthy is for the weak. They’ll still die even if they do BJJ. Hey, maybe they’ll die BECAUSE OF BJJ. You already have a workout walking back and forth a number of times from your couch to the fridge in the kitchen and you binge-watch shows based off of ‘true stories’ on Netflix. That’s all you really need. You don’t need to risk breaking your limbs to be in shape.

IT FORCES YOU TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.

In connection with the preceding sentiment, the more you train, the more it makes you actually think for a second that maybe you could compete in the art as a sport. This gets you to a whole new level of fitness as you start changing your diet from nasty to nutritious and to rest properly to be in your peak when competition season comes rolling in. Okay, first off, change? Please. Secondly, diet? Uhh?? Thirdly, nutritious? That’s just a code for food that leaves a bad taste in your mouth. Lastly, what the hell is this rest they’re talking about? You sleep when you’re dead. Carpe Diem, y’all. You’re sure you’d still beat the crap out of anyone while chugging on that barrel of beer made from gluten-free malted barley and eating your 6th slice of all-meat cheese-crusted organic non-GMO pizza and that’s all that matters. Mmmm.

YOU LEARN, LITTLE BY LITTLE, THE ART OF NOT GIVING A FUCK.

Imagine you’re part of a local BJJ team and you have a teammate we’ll call Gary. Gary and you have had some beef with each other one night while you were having dinner with a mix of BJJ and non-BJJ friends and it didn’t end so well. On the next training session, you and Gary show up and guess what happens next? Nothing. You’re there to train, not start a sissy fight over your differing opinions on how to read the word ‘data’ during that eventful dinner night out. And that’s just lame because we all live for the drama. Boring!

BJJ FORCES YOU TO REALIZE YOU’VE GOT TO TAKE SOME THINGS IN LIFE SLOWLY.

The art teaches you patience. No one’s forcing you to hurry up and get good at it faster than a lightning bolt. That’s just you feeling like a grappling genius every time coach lets you pass his guard. If you can’t do a technique the first time, keep doing it again. Be patient enough to do things at your own pace until you get the hang of it. But life is short, why stick to something that’ll take you so long to get good at? Drop that crap because you’re part of an impatient lot and it’s not cool to wait for results that you’re not even certain of. It’s not that you couldn’t handle that BJJ technique, that technique just  wasn’t for you and all in all, it’s BJJ that couldn’t handle the awesomeness that is you. ‘Nuff said.

IT EMBEDS IN YOU THE IMPORTANCE OF COMMITMENT.

Discipline. Perseverance. Determination. You don’t get better at doing BJJ, as with all things, if you don’t commit to it. The color of your belt won’t matter if you don’t show up to train. You’d still get your arse whooped if you do your drills half-heartedly despite perfect class attendance. Your commitment not only affects your own training but your team’s as well, especially the poor soul you’ll be partnered with during drills. But man, commitment? Ew. Sounds like an illness. Living life these days isn’t about committing to anything at all; it’s just what’s not in, you know what I mean? You don’t need to ‘commit’ to ‘find yourself’ in this world and committing to BJJ would just mean less time for you to explore all of your options. Just say no to commitment and hard work. We don’t want more responsibilities.

YOU GET A NEW FAMILY BY BEING PART OF THE TEAM.

Even if you’re that team member who suddenly disappears when class is done after you’ve bowed in front of the head coach in unison, it’s no doubt that the bond you have on the mats from trying to choke each other out or breaking each other’s limbs is one of a kind. The talks you have while you’re getting out of your sweaty gi, the teasing that comes during and after super fights, and the proud look your teammates have on while they cheer you on when you successfully perform a move during a match makes you feel like you belong. But ugh. More family means more people to show care for and caring is L-A-M-E. It already sounds like a chore.

JIU JITSU HUMBLES YOU.

BJJ will remind you to leave your ego at the door every training session. Every. training. session. It reminds you to tap before you get injured and accept you’ve been bested by your roll partner. It reminds you that you need to learn to surrender to the fact that you can be bad at it so you’ll know how you can get better. You learn to check yourself when your temper starts flaring up on the mats. You learn to not give up for having a bad day and try to think more of how you’ll do better on the next training day. And all of this slowly translates into your world outside of BJJ. The ego is still there but you can tame it now, at the very least. BUT WHO CARES? YOU’RE THE BEST EVEN IF YOU HAVEN’T TRIED IT YET. Your ego is fine and if they can’t handle it, it’s their problem. I bet you’re already offended that people have little to no expectations of you excelling in the art on your first class and you have every right to be! I mean, how dare they?!

 

There’s a whole lot more of things I could say but I think what I’ve enumerated is enough to convince everyone why Jiu Jitsu just sucks. If you still can’t take my word for it, try Brazilian Jiu Jitsu out for yourself! Google up a local BJJ gym near you and join a class! And if you’re in Cagayan de Oro City, go try a training session with Atos Philippines Cagayan de Oro – Ali Sulit Jiu Jitsu and experience all that I just said firsthand. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

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